Antarctica : (A totally irresponsible) Kayaking Survival Guide

Surviving the MASTER

Like Yoda, the Kayak Master is not called a "MASTER" for nothing. He is ruthless and weeds out those without real prior sea kayaking experiences. He announces on the public announcement system that there would be a meeting in the library in 5 minutes but deep down, he would prefer if everyone gathers 5 minutes before he even calls for a meeting. He is swift and paddles so fast that you lose 1 stroke for each of his 8 strokes and will be miles ahead within 5 minutes. He overpromises the number of animals that will come attack you and understates the opportunities of being audiences with front row seats at live performances.

Right Now!

To survive the Master, wear your kayaking gear to bed. Wake up early and loiter around the dining room doors 10 minutes before they are thrown open for breakfast and lunch. Take naps in the library and be on perpetual standby for meetings. Be dressed with paddle in hand in 10 minutes (see - it helps if you go to bed in your kayaking suit), get into the water in 20 minutes and be back on the ship the moment the Master turns his head. Be Hard-Core. Be Alert. Be ready to cut queues and paddle in front of the guys who have been waiting patiently in line to dock their kayaks to go on board. Snooze you lose.

Surviving the fitting

Before you even get near the water, you will have plenty of fitting in to do - suit, paddle and kayak. Finding a suit is easy but getting dressed when there is a swell is another matter altogether - just hang on to the poles and railings. 

Fitting up when you have swells on Drake Passage
Photo credit: Shaun

You will look like Power Rangers in the suits but do not worry - the rest of the passengers on the cruise will love you for being the most colourful models on the water and will keep snapping pictures of you the moment you get into the water until you get out. (Tip: try not to capsize in front of the paparazzi - you will make the daily news headline. You may also want to charge the paparazzi $5 for each photograph taken - you will be likely to make some healthy profit and have enough change to fund your next two $10,000 cruises.)

Megazord transformed!

The kayaks are named after whales and some names are more special than the others. Otherwise, they are the same. Just. Choose. Wisely.

Photo credit: Melissa

Surviving the wait

After the fitting out frenzy, you will go stir crazy waiting for the all important announcement to go for a kayak meeting. After reassuring the Master and yourself (predominantly yourself) that you are ready to go, there is the loooooong wait for everyone to get ready. Rest be assured, by the 6th try, your teammate should have gotten the hang of taking her card key out of her back pocket before putting on her 3-piece suit. 

It takes about 20 minutes to put 11 boats into the water. While waiting, you can ram your kayak into a sheet of ice (It is a skill and not everyone succeeds on the first try - practice makes perfect. Once again, try not to capsize.) and watch the ice melt:

Bubbles slowly being released from ice

You can also while the time away by taking pictures of each other:

Just remember to pretend you are really busy being tourists or the Master will ask you to paddle around in figures of eight to "warm up".

Surviving the elements

There are:

- swells that will overturn your kayak and strong currents that will make your arms hurt

- sea ice which block your way and also trap your kayak:

- cliffs where avalanches can take place:

- glaciers which will topple or have magnetic fields that suck you in:

James and I were mesmerised by the glacier which was calling out to us
Photo credit: Michelle

There is nothing you can do about the swells and strong currents. You have already assured the Master that you have had prior sea kayaking experiencessss and that you are hard-core, remember?

To tackle the problem of thin sea ice, just bash through them. Constant rapid actions of lifting your gluteas maximus and then sitting down will help crush the ice. Sometimes, sea ice will form very quickly all around you. If you find yourself trapped, do remember that you have a weapon of mass destruction - your paddle (which you can also use to bash ferocious wildlife too). Simply follow Melissa's instructions on how to break through the sea ice:

Video: How to paddle through sea ice

Video credit: Melissa

As for avalanches, avoid going through narrow channels or too near the cliffs. Otherwise, before you go to Antarctica, learn how to surf and ride a wave.

Part of the cliff collapsed after we paddled pass and went onshore

It can be quite scary to paddle past a glacier, see how massive it is under the water and imagine how it can easily flip over and take your kayak down at the same time too:

Not a reflection but the bottom of a glacier in the water

Can you see the jagged edges under the water?

The solution? Do not go near the glaciers. If you somehow get sucked into a glacier, avoid looking into the water. 

The glaciers in Antarctica generate extremely strong magnetic fields. If the magnetic fields suck your kayak into a glacier - just let it be. Any resistance is as futile as Frodo Baggins trying to resist wearing his ring. Pray that the Master sees you - he has the power to destroy all magnetic fields and pull you out with his booming "Oi!".

The stronger magnetic waves, the bluer the glacier

Surviving the wildlife

You will be attacked from all angles by sharks, leopard seals, orcas and polar bears which will chomp your kayaks and eat you as snacks (ok I have added the polar bear - there is NO polar bear in Antarctica - but that is beside the point). You will not need to know the capsize drill because if you find yourself in the water, you will experience hypothermia in 1 minute and the orcas will use you to educate their young (on how to play with their food) for the next 5 minutes. 

Sea stars do not bite. Neither no krills.

If you spot penguins, Weddell and Crabeater seals, you are in luck. They only eat krills. Stop paddling some 20 metres before you reach them so as not the scare them. Do not surround them so they have space to escape if they want to.

You will also have to practise a lot of self-restraints and try not to stand up in your kayak to give standing ovations to the potential gold medallists for Olympics unsynchronised swimming and diving.

At least 100 Gentoos trying to synchronise their performance

We should show our sexy feet and tail during synchronised swimming

How to dive with a big splash

Sometimes you will have the unenviable task to witness penguins crashing into each other in mid-air. Please keep the laughter in your belly or you will hurt the penguins' feelings:

Video: Floating near Gentoos at Waterboat Point

Surviving a landing

If you ask your Master if it is possible to do a landing while out kayaking, your Master will give you a professional "it's possible BUT..." disclaimer. 

Our first landing from a kayak
Photo credit: Dave/Mirza

Once you do land, however, you will have to find a way to prevent some loving husbands from presenting your kayak as a gift to their wives:

I huff and I puff 
and I will pull this red hot Ferrari to my honey

Appointing a thermos-flask-wielding bouncer may help:

Mark staring down the guilt-ridden thief
Photo credit: Dave/Mirza

Then, you will have to find your own way to survive the onslaught of too many cute penguins on the super highway.

Penguin super highway

Traffic jam!

A busy crossroad

Do not step on the super highway or you risk getting knocked down by a penguin that takes part in the Formula DRIFT championships, as evidenced here:

Video: Penguin drift

Notice the earlier video shows Melissa's GoPro in the snow. This is her perspective of how dangerous the drifting can be. You have been warned!

Video: Penguin Pusher GoPro

Source: Melissa

Surviving the hill

Climb every mountain

Sometimes the Master will tell you that it is going to be a boring trip. Do not fall for the trick and be any less alert. If not, you will suddenly find yourself having to cope with both a stressful landing AND climbing a mountain in a skirt.

Remember to wave to the adoring crowd
Photo credit: Aaron

After the exhausting climb, do remember to smile and wave to the adoring crowd below who are either waving hellos or are trying desperately to signal to you that you are standing too close to the edge of a dangerous looking overhanging cliff.

On the hill
Photo credit: Aaron

To get back to your kayak, you have the options to zoom down on your bum, belly or skirt.

Lastly, be prepared to do a triple somersault and finish with a perfect landing.

Photo credit: Michelle

I have survived

"First I was afraid

I was petrified

Keep thinking I could never live

.....

And I'll survive

I will survive (hey hey)"
~ I will survive by Gloria Gaynor

35.5 nautical miles (or 65.7km) later, I am still alive. Jokes aside, if the Antarctica trip were great, the kayaking excursions enhanced it 8 times more and would have easily been the best US$659 birthday present I had ever given myself (or rather, Antarctica and Ian had given to me). I was grinning from ear to ear on each of my 8 kayaking trips - so much so that my cheeks hurt.

Special thanks to kayak masters Ian and Mark, beautiful security Dave, my most dependable partner James and everyone in the team - it has been A BLAST!

Having a whale of a time. OH YEAH!
Photo credit: Dave/Mirza

Now, I just need to beg/steal/borrow for my next kayaking trip in Arctic. Bring it on!

Dedicated to my lovely kayaking team. xo

Video: Antarctica Kayaking Dream
Music: Titanium by David Guetta (feat. Sia)

Photo and video sources: Aaron, Dave, Lai, Melissa, Michelle, Mirza, Shaun