3 months on

At midnight exactly 3 months ago on 9 May, Hwee Keng, my sister and I were having coffee at the Singapore Changi International Airport. HK said a pray for my safe journey before she released me to face the world alone. Before I even started, I knew it was not going to be as glamorous and exciting as most people have thought. It is not a holiday. It is my life. I need to be able to cope financially, physically and mentally. At the moment, because it is still in the beginning stages of the journey, the first 2 aspects seem manageable. The third aspect though, is not faring very well but we shall see if I can strengthen this bit.

The challenges I have faced thus far?

I have to pack, which I absolutely dread. Yes, I know that I no longer have to think of what to pack and I now know how to pack everything into 2 empty bags in less than 30 minutes. However, trying to roll everything up and forcing them into the backpack still zap my energy every single time. After which, I would have to check ∞ times that I would have not left anything behind inadvertently. (I still manage to lose 3 items so far - hand sanitiser, hair clip, blank thumb drive - and I am not sure how and where I have lost them.)

I worry about missing transportation, especially connecting ones. I do not sleep very well the day before departing for the next destination. I either worry that I will oversleep and will wake up every hour or 2 to check the time OR I will stay awake in bed going through the travel plans for the next day. And what about missing luggage? When we were in Arusha, PJ's luggage did not arrive (from the airport) until half an hour before we were to depart for the mountains. Someone else's bag did not arrive until he was up in the mountains. How can I not worry?

Dealing with creepy crawlies. I deal with them better now. (I just killed a huge spider as I was writing this. Sorry Spidey, I really would not have killed you if you have stayed put on the wall but instead, you were stealthily moving towards my backpack so you gave me no choice.) At home I would just pour hot water on the cockroach and get my mum to get rid of the corpse or scream for her to help (*blush*). And 'better' does not equate to well – I still cringed when I saw the sand-coloured spider that looked like a crab on top of my tent. Faint!

I am really a coward and HATE to put up all of my defence mechanisms and pretend that I am confident. Radar up, transmitter on. Scan to the left, scan to the right, listen to voices and footsteps behind. Check blind spots, listen to voices and footsteps behind. I feel like a ninja.     An assassin. CIA. Can someone take care of me so that I can be a ditzy tourist? Please? 

It is still emotionally draining. How do you protect yourself and make sure your heart remain whole? How do you love a place and make friends but not become emotionally attached and not leave a piece of yourself behind? How do you battle loneliness, forge friendships and say goodbye after? How do you ask someone to go away cruelly without any explanation? How do you say sorry when the last word you want to hear is 'sorry'? 당신은 이해합니까?

Video: Breathe (2 AM) performed by Chyler Leigh in the episode Song Beneath the Song of Grey's Anatomy